I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
They left me at home... I'm a liability
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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