Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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