Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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