why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
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Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
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I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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