Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
