I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Everclear isn't food dammit
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
