When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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