Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
