I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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