You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
