Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
