If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We have so much sex to catch up on
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
