Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I need to calm my uterus...
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
