All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
