we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
