I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
