I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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