he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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