I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
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