So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.