I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
