Your face is a jimmy john
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think my vagina is haunted
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
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we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
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When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My dick has a subreddit
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.