It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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