remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
