apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
