she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
