Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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