Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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