You don't have asthma, your pregnant
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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