But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
