hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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