Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
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I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
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From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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