I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
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