the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
