I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
