i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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