i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
