So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
