So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
