Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
