1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
