I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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