the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
