so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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