I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize