dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
