I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
