I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
