I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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