The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
