Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
