I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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