On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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