At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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