they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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