My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I didn't notice because vodka
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
