this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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