i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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