i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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