Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
