Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
