My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
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i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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